When the Grief Emotions of Others Splash on You

The more abrupt the pastor’s departure, the more it disrupts the church. And nowhere is this felt more acutely than in our relationships.

When the senior, or lead pastor, quickly exits for any reason, people are going to react to it as a loss. Depending on how close they were to the epicenter of what happened, it is normal and healthy for there to be grief reactions…even strong ones.  

So in your role as a leader, you can count on this….there will be times when someone will emote all over you in the church lobby, in a phone call, on social media, or via an email. Their emotions might be extreme, raw, even accusatory.

Most of us are not good at handling these moments when that other person pours out their grieving emotions. It feels personal…it’s awkward…we’ll want them to calm down…we’ll want to “fix” them…we’ll be nervous that what we say will make matters worse. Yet as a member of the leadership team, you are tasked with loving the church well through this difficult pastoral transition.

So how do we shepherd when it feels like the sheep are in attack mode? Let me pass along the practical suggestions William Bridges gives in his book “Managing Transitions” on how to respond to the 7 most common grief emotions that typically splash on you:

1. How to deal with denial: treat it as a normal first response in the grief process. It’s a natural self-protective act to pain. Calmly affirm the truth of what has happened, but don’t expect them to immediately accept it.

2. How to deal with anger: listen carefully and acknowledge that their anger is understandable. Don’t take on the blame if it is being misdirected toward you. Encourage them to respond biblically to their anger if they have misbehaved.

3. How to deal with bargaining: distinguish this from real problem-solving. Keep a realistic outlook, and don’t be swayed by their desperate arguments, threats, or impossible promises. It is normal, when experiencing grief, for some to insist that something needs to be done immediately.

4. How to deal with anxiety: their anxiety may be silent or expressed. Just keep feeding them the information as it comes and commiserate with them when it doesn’t. Encourage them to invite the Lord into their anxious feelings (Philippians 4:6-7).

5. How to deal with sadness: this is at the heart of grieving. Encourage people to say what they are feeling and share your sad feelings too. Sympathize. Remind them that the Lord himself was “a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief” (Isaiah 53:3). He understands the burden we feel.

6. How to deal with disorientation: give them the opportunity to get things off their chest. Reassure them that feeling disoriented is natural and others are feeling it too. Check in with them regularly. If the disorientation continues, direct them to a trained grief counselor.

7. How to deal with depression: Make sure they know it’s normal to feel this way, but they need to talk to someone who is trained to help them work through it. Assure them that the leadership team is actively involved in shepherding the church through this painful transition (they need to know matters are not out of control).

There are times when we are oblivious to the obvious. Your response, however these grief emotions come at you, needs to be face-to-face. That other person needs to hear the tone of your voice, they need to see your body language, they need to be able to look you in the eye. They need your personal shepherding.

Only use technology only to acknowledge you have received what they sent, and set up a time to meet together!

As a leader in your church, when the pastor has abruptly left, you may be deeply hurting as you attempt to help others. I’ll address the reality of being a wounded leader in an upcoming blog. Yet if you prepare yourself to respond to these 7 emotions, you can be a calming presence as their intense emotions won’t faze you.

The wonderful result? You will be a purveyor of hope. And you will be a good shepherd of others as you have a faith-filled hope that the Lord is going to make something good come from this loss.

 _____________________________________________________________

The first 90 days after the pastor abruptly leaves is a critical time for the church. Most leadership teams need help and assurance in shepherding their church well through this difficult transition.

I produced a workbook that compiles 10 years of my observations as an interim pastor with churches going through abrupt pastoral transition. This publication not only gives you the information you need to know, but each chapter ends with group exercises to apply to your unique setting.

Click here to go to my ‘Store’ to get a copy for each member of your leadership team. Multiple copy discounts available.

.